Raven's Path--a query in progress

Many of you who read my blog are not writers. For those of you not familiar with the steps taken toward that magical land of publishing, one of the first ones you take (if not self-publishing) is to seek an agent. To this end, one must write a brief letter that entices the agent to request the manuscript.

Amazing beta readers gave thumbs up to the story accompanied by insightful and helpful comments. I dove back in, tearing it apart, rewriting, editing and revising. It is now time to go forth once again, stop dabbling in the query process and, instead, approach it systematically and thoughtfully. Of course, that begins with a good query.

Below is the body of my letter. What do you think? Does it entice you enough to want to read more? Many of you email me personally, and that is fine, but feel free to post your honest opinions in the comment box below. Other writers may learn and grow from it too. Thanks, in advance, to all who take the time to respond.

Their paths should never have crossed, yet rescuing her from a Mohawk raiding party changes everything for Brandan “Raven” Murray and Ana McGregor. Leaving abuse and Scotland behind, Ana has fled to the colonies and is searching for her father—a man she’s unlikely to find, but is unwilling to forget. Brandan is determined to secure peace for his Wendat people. The uneasy truce between England and France is a powder keg ready for a spark and, though he is as mixed in blood as he is in allegiance, Brandan will do anything to keep the Indian nations out of the crossfire.
His mission is perilous enough without the complication of being saddled with a woman. As they travel through the vast wilderness of the Ohio Valley, Brandan soon realizes that rescuing Ana was the easy part. Letting her go may prove impossible. When they are betrayed by the very tribes he is trying to protect, he discovers he may have no choice.
Set in 1750 Colonial America, Raven’s Path is a historical romance complete at 114,000. While it stands alone, it has series potential.


  1. Oooh! Rose, you're close. I find the first sentence a bit difficult. If it was only Brandan in the rest of the sentence, it would work big time. But the inclusion of Ana makes it harder to read. I'll email you. ;-)

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  3. I like this version better, Rose!

  4. Looks strong to me. I do agree with Zan that leaving out Ana makes the first sentence flow better. You don't really need all the names in the query. Good luck, more than 100,000 words was quite an undertaking.

  5. Neil,

    Thank you so much for the positive words. While the feedback has been very supportive, most people email rather than post publicly, so I appreciate you taking the time to drop by and your willingness to comment publicly. Although I do understand folks. I too used to avoid putting myself out there to the unknown cyber population. These days it's very much "Hey, world, here I am!" (ala Barbara Streisand. in Funny Girl...sorry, musicals are kinda my "other" thing. :0)